Thursday, December 18, 2014

So I Inhale

There are seasons on this parenting journey when the weight of what I do not know threatens to take me down.

When self-doubt and guilt link up, team up, gang up and have me barely able to breathe.

Have I done enough? I don't know.
Could I have done more? I don't know.
Should I have done differently? I don't know.

What if I had? I don't know.

Have we made the right choice about medication?
Have we made the right choice about therapy?
Have we made the right choice about school, about food, about friends, about going to the doctor or not going to the doctor, about discipline, about communication, about interactions and opportunities, about alternative treatments and second opinions.

Have we? Have we? Have we? I don't know.

And I'm going down.

The sliding doors of life are piling up on top of my chest and I'm struggling to catch my breath.
This season cannot last because I cannot last in this season.
It's me or the doubt - something has to give.

So in a desperate attempt to breathe again, I throw my last bit of strength into lifting the burden of what I do not know and I inhale what I know.

I inhale I love her.
I inhale I have done my best.
I inhale I am enough.
I inhale I cannot know the lives of what I did not choose. I can only know the life of my choices.
I inhale harder does not mean I chose wrong.
I inhale better does not equal easier.
I inhale grace for mistakes.
I inhale we will be okay.
I inhale we are okay.

I inhale. And I breathe again.