Thursday, June 12, 2014

Who Got the Deal?

In college, a friend at the time taught me an awful game called "Who Got the Deal" where you basically judge couples solely on appearance and decide who between them got the deal.

(Awful, I know! Feel free to scorn my 19 year old self, she deserves it.)

Anyway, we would sit in the plaza in between classes and judge people.

"He totally got the deal."
"Oh man, she got the deal, how'd she manage that?"
"Does she know she got the deal?"
"Does he know she got the deal?" and on, and on...

Sometimes we couldn't decide who got the deal and we considered those relationships a good match, they may even last! We also believed from the analysis of our research that the best possible relationship scenario is one in which both people think they got the deal.

"I'm so lucky to have you" + "I'm so lucky to have you" = Happy Couple  
Wood, L., et al. (1999, May 5)

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There is a common compliment given to parents of kids with special needs that goes something like;
"I don't know how you do it."  "I could not do it." "God picked the right parents for Julia."  "God knew what he was doing when he made you her parents."  etc...

These are all meant well. The intent is to encourage and express admiration, I understand that - but they make me very uncomfortable and I know I am not the only special needs mom to feel this way.

They make us uncomfortable because what this type of compliment implies is that our child got the deal.
"Julia is so lucky to have you."  Julia got the deal.

We cannot just casually accept these compliments because nothing could feel further from the truth.

This little person came into my life and rocked my world - for the better. I was a little bit of an arrogant, ignorant, naive, judgmental (see story above), selfish, control freak before Julia.  And while I am still all of these flaws and more, I know I am getting better. And the turning point was Julia's arrival.
My best deal.

She changed everything.

My awareness increased, my compassion increased, my tolerance increased, my faith increased, my hope increased, my joy increased, my patience increased, my confidence increased, my humility increased and my judgement decreased - because of her.

God knew what he was doing FOR ME when he sent Julia to me.

If anyone is "lucky" it is me.

So just to be clear, and in case appearances suggest otherwise, in this relationship, in every single possible way, I SO GOT THE DEAL.


12 comments:

  1. Laurie, this is a wonderfully written piece, thank you. I really appreciate your insight, positive attitude, and faith.

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    1. Thanks so much for reading and leaving a note! Much appreciated! :)

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  2. I can totally relate. I was so humbled when I became the parent of a special needs child. I needed to be humbled for many reasons. I am so so thankful that I get to be Sydney's mom. I now understand things I did not understand before. And I appreciate things that were beyond my comprehension. Lisa from Quirks and Chaos on Facebook http://quirks-and-chaos.blogspot.com/2012/12/sydney-from-back-seat-of-van.html

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    1. Thanks for reading and for the comment Lisa!!! I'm totally with you - my eyes were opened!

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  3. I can't begin to express how much I love this post! You have managed to put into words what I have been trying to say for the past year and a half, since my son's diagnosis. Thank you for writing and sharing this! I am humbly grateful! Julia is beautiful!! You have my warmest regards ��

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    1. Hi Amanda! Thank you so much - your comment made my day!!! I'm so glad we can connect over this common belief about our awesome kids. How is your son doing? Thank you again!!! -laurie

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