Tuesday, September 30, 2014

Are You Gonna Have More?

Are you gonna have more?

It's one of those obvious, elephant in the room type questions. Sitting there, begging to be asked.

Kind of like when you want to ask your 30-something single friend if she's met anyone promising. Or how you want to ask a childless couple when they are going to start having kids.
We are curious beings and certain situations beg certain questions... And I realize as Julia gets older that we have become one of those situations begging one of those questions.

Do you have kids?
    Yes, we have a daughter!
Oh, how old is she?
    She is seven.
Oh, seven?!?!  So what's the deal, are you gonna have more?

Are we gonna have more?

The easy answer would be "Oh, I'm not sure," or "Who knows what the future holds," or "Nope, we are done."

But the real answer is more complicated.
The real answer is that we do have more. Or we did have more... I don't know how to say it.

We have, or we had, two more.  Two more babies who would now be five and two.

Seven. Five. And two.

They were girls. Or they are girls... I don't know how to say it.

Joy and Pearl.  Julia's little sisters.

I think they would be blondies like their big sister - strawberry blonde with blue eyes. And I sometimes imagine the three of them lined up next to each other in the back seat of our car on our way to somewhere fun. Maybe Mimi's house.  Oh what a sight that would be. I wouldn't be able to look in the rear view mirror for long, my eyes wouldn't be able to take it.

Joy and Pearl.

Sometimes I just want to say their names.

Joy and Pearl.

Who would probably be so funny like their big sister. Three girls with the best laughs in the world. With curly hair like mommy and long legs like daddy.  And the three of them together would run us ragged in the best possible run ragged kind of way.  And we would look at them and laugh and say, "Oh you three!!!"

And we would love their relationship and say things like "Sisters are the best!"
And I would marvel over them, over the three of them. And my heart would feel like bursting.
Like it does sometimes now.

More?

We did have more. Or we do... I don't know how to say it.
They just aren't here. We had them only briefly. Almost as soon as we knew of them they were gone. But don't mistake brief for insignificant.
Their lives, though brief, were significant and meaningful. Just not lengthy. Not as long as we selfishly would wish. But we did have them. And we do still have them, we just have them differently...I don't know how to say it.

Not a day goes by I don't think of them. Wonder about them. Long for them.

Not a day goes by I don't wish my more were here. Right here. With us. To be seen and touched and held and known.

But after losing Pearl we wondered if our hearts could do it again. So we stopped.
Because the sight of still little bodies on the screen hurt so much. So we stopped.
And cried "no more."

Are you gonna have more?

Well... we did. Or, we do... I don't quite know how to say it.

17 comments:

  1. So beautifully written and I am sorry for your losses. Looking forward to reading more of your blog. Bron

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    1. Thank you so much for reading and for your kind words!!!

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  2. My oldest is five and I'm currently 32 weeks pregnant. We have four children, you just can't see the two in between. I get what you're saying. I'm so sorry for your loss.

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    1. Thank you Elizabeth - thanks for reading and sharing your story too. I'm sorry for your losses too!

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  3. Laurie, thank you for sharing your loss and your beautiful mother's heart. I'm very excited to say I'm going to meet Joy and Pearl someday. I know they are lighting up heaven's sky, so pleasing to the Lord. So much goodness ahead ... when we will see the Kingdom of God prevail soon one day.

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  4. Thank you Tracey - yes, so much goodness ahead!!! xxx

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  5. Hi Laurie,
    I had some free time and decided to check out your blog. I ended up reading all of them from this year. Thank you for sharing your journey thus far. Even though I haven't met Julia or Wes I feel like I know them through your stories. Julia is a beautiful girl, and you are amazing parents.
    It has been many years since I have seen or talked to you Laurie I truly hope you and your family are doing well. Take care!

    Darren Maglischo

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    1. Darren! Thank you!!! So great to hear from you - thank you for taking the time to read and comment - I am truly touched. I hope you are well - your family is beautiful!!!

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  6. My daughter has IS & 3 other types of seizures and many delays i would like to talk to you if possible especially regarding what therapies have helped julia. My email is marks_bensmom@yahoo.com my daughters page is https://www.facebook.com/pages/Emmylous-Journey/623730094358206?ref=bookmarks

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    1. Carolyn - sorry for my delay in responding! I'd love to share with you what we have tried - you can find me on facebook as Laurie Anne Arnold - feel free to friend me or message me and let me know what sort of info you are looking for. Take care! Laurie

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  7. Laurie, Thank you for continuing to share your life journey. I have always been so very fond of you, Wes and Jules. I had and lost two precious babies that would be 9 and 8, in between my almost 11 year old and my 7 year old. Your story flooded me with the memories of hope, then loss, than hope, and loss, and finally hope again. It was a very emotional time, then, during which I was following along with your journey with your amazing little girl. I think back now and realize my desire to be your friend and to love you and jules is because I was pregnant at the same time as you and I was hoping and praying for you. While you have voiced your journey, I have felt your pain, and celebrated your joy. In this blog you have given our lost babies a voice, a place, as short as it was, here on this earth. Because they were here, and they were a part of us, you validate, embrace and honor them. Thank you for that. It is usually, an unspoken subject, as we struggle through. I too think of my babies that aren't here daily. Thank you for making it ok to include them because they are a part of us, just not here. I find that many women, like myself, suffer in silence. Their grief is misunderstood by society as less significant. You have shown us a way to realize its ok to remember and to still love these unseen babies. God bless you. Hugs

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    1. Wendy - thank you so much for your sweet and thoughtful comment!!! I got a little behind on responding and I apologize for that. I'm thankful we can connect over both joy and pain -that's real life right? I'm sorry for your losses - the grief is real and I'm thankful we can remember our precious unseen babes and honor them through our lives. Thank you again!! xxx

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