She Doesn't Need Healing

We stopped going to church when Julia was a baby.

Not because we had lost faith, in fact, for me at least, this was a time of intense faith and closeness with God, but just not in a church building, and not surrounded by a lot of Christians.

It was the Christians we stopped going to church because of. Specifically the Christians who kept offering to pray for Julia to be healed.

We seemed to make them uncomfortable with this baby of ours who was different, this baby who wasn't perfectly healthy, wasn't just "fine."  They didn't seem to know what to do with us. Our presence was causing them to have to think about their God and their faith in a way they were not comfortable with - so instead they did the one thing they knew how to do, they offered to pray for healing.

"We are praying for her to be healed."
"We are praying God heals her."
"We have faith God will heal her."
 On and on and on, heal, heal, heal.

You would think these offers of healing prayer would have brought us comfort, but they did not. They brought pain and confusion - because it felt like rejection - like we were unacceptable "as is" - we needed to change, or she needed to be changed, before we could be embraced.

These offers also made me uncomfortable because somewhere deep inside my reeling, confused and sleep deprived newborn-mom brain, I knew Julia's healing was not what we needed.

You pray for healing when the diagnosis is a disease.

But Julia was not diagnosed with a disease.

Basically Julia was diagnosed with "this is just how she was made."

I didn't know exactly what you pray for when the diagnosis is "God made her this way," but  "healing" didn't feel right.

What would we be asking she be healed from?  The very blueprints God used to create her? Would we go before God and ask that he change her very being to make it easier on us? I cringe even now at the thought.  I didn't know much in those early days, but I knew I did not want her changed.

I also knew I needed more from my God then a "fix."

I needed a god who does more than just take away hard things, more than a "genie" god randomly granting wishes. I needed a god who would help me IN this hard thing and WITH this hard thing, not just out of it. If all you believe your god can do is take away pain then that isn't enough for me, that isn't my god. Because I found myself experiencing for the first time a pain I didn't want taken away. So how does that work? God has to be more than a fixer of pain or nothing makes sense - because I see a lot of pain in this world that hasn't been taken away. So what does that say then about God if your faith in him and his goodness depend solely on the removal of what we think is hard or wrong?

That's just too simple for this beautiful heartbreaking life.

I'm not a biblical scholar, but I KNOW my God did not promise us a cake walk in this life (John 16:33). So why is a cake walk exactly what we beg Him for the moment hard things appear for ourselves or others? It doesn't add up.

When Julia was about three years old we cautiously started going to church again thanks to the recommendation of friends and family who loved us and knew what we were wrestling with in regards to other Christians. We found a church where the motto is "Me too" - basically a general statement of acceptance for everyone - come as you are - you don't need to get better to be here - we are all the same - we all need grace.  It felt like the kind of place where they might say "Hey, Julia is pretty awesome!"  Rather than "Hey, Julia needs to be healed."  It's been a good home for us.

I remember one Sunday morning in particular, our pastor referenced a verse from Romans chapter 8 where Paul writes about being more than conquerors through Christ. That phrase "more than" - why did Paul write that? Why not just conquerors? Conquering seems pretty good to me. Because, our pastor explained, you are a conqueror when your challenges are gone, but you are MORE THAN a conqueror when you live victoriously with your challenges still present.

There it is!!!!!!!!
That is my verse!! (Romans 8:37)
And that is my God!!!!!!

That Sunday morning our pastor gave words to what I had been trying to figure out all of these years about how I understood God. That was why I was so uncomfortable with the "healing" stuff: I don't need (nor want) these challenges removed, I have a God who makes me victorious with my challenges, while I am still very much in the hard stuff.

So, this is what I have come to understand about Julia and healing over the past seven years:
It isn't Julia who needs healing. It is the rest of us.  Julia is a precious catalyst for God to heal some of our deep brokenness. The brokenness that causes us to fear and reject what is different and weak and vulnerable.

Please know that I am not against prayers for healing. I do it all the time. I've just learned that often we are too specific in what we are asking God to heal, too specific and usually off base.

Don't pray for her to change, pray for us to embrace her as she is.
Don't pray for her to change, pray for the community to shift how they view her.
Don't pray for her to change, pray for yourselves to change how you understand hard things.

Don't pray for her to be healed, pray for my healing and pray for your own:

Heal me from my selfishness.
Heal me from my insecurities.
Heal me from my need to control.
Heal me from my fear of hard things.
Heal me so that when hard things come I will stand firm, I will move towards, 

and I will be MORE THAN.

"In all these things we are MORE THAN CONQUERORS through him who loved us." - Romans 8:37